Boundaries can be one of the most uncomfortable concepts that nonprofit leaders encounter in coaching.
Growing up, we are constantly discouraged from putting ourselves first. We are told we are good when we let others go first on the slide, if we don’t show off by raising our hands when we know the answer, and when we invite the obnoxious family member to our party to keep the peace.
These external messages tell us that what we need and want is not important. And, that our value as a person depends on earning the approval and love of others.
Our internal saboteurs’ voices reinforce the message and tell us that pleasing, perfection, or perpetual busyness are the paths to love and security.
It’s no wonder then that our saboteurs when we realize a boundary is needed. Our saboteurs make it deeply uncomfortable to consider ourselves first!
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are lines you draw that define what you will or will not accept. Boundaries are not you making rules about other people’s behaviour.
Your boundary could be:
- You will no longer invite the friend who constantly starts arguments when drinking
- You will not stay quiet when a volunteer fails to follow your organization’s policies
- You will decline to work extra hours to cover for a colleague’s missed deadline
Notice that the boundary is not what you want someone else to do—stop drinking to excess, for example.
A boundary is a rule for you, to put yourself first.
Why do nonprofit leaders need boundaries?
Leaders need healthy boundaries for themselves and their teams. Boundaries are important tools to help leaders create and model healthy organizational cultures, encourage effective teamwork, and add to psychological safety for themselves and their team. Clearly articulated and maintained boundaries can help to reduce the kind of ambiguity that leads to dysfunction and confusion in the workplace.
If you have strong resistance from your saboteurs, they will undermine good boundary-setting. As an example, a nonprofit leader might develop excellent work boundaries that are then applied unevenly because of an unrecognized Pleaser saboteur that insists being liked is more important than, say, getting home on time. The leader unwittingly self-sabotages which is the exact opposite of what they intended.
How do you know when a saboteur has overridden one of your boundaries? Resentment and guilt are often the first clues. I wrote about this, and about my own struggle to say no to a simple favour, in Three Reasons Your Boundaries Don’t Work.
Get to know your saboteurs
Understanding where and how you are likely to encounter your saboteurs is foundational to boundary-setting and, therefore, to great leadership.
Great leaders aren’t perfect. Far from it! What they are is aware of their strengths and weaknesses and actively work to overcome their weaknesses. For example, a leader who knows she tends to be authoritarian because of a strong Controller saboteur can build a team and routines to counter that tendency.
If you’re wondering about your individual Saboteur combination, you can take Positive Intelligence’s Saboteur Assessment directly from their website here.
For a personalized approach, I offer a 45-minute assessment debrief to help you understand how your saboteurs may be tripping you up, keeping you from taking action on your goals, or generally causing you stress and unhappiness. (At C$47, it’s a steal, if I do say so myself.) Here’s my calendar link to book a time that’s convenient for you.
Ready to put your saboteurs in their place?
Registration for the next cohort of the Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader program will begin in December. Over seven weeks, starting in January, we’ll work on both fronts: building your mental fitness to intercept self-sabotage and strengthening your capacity to lead with clarity in a sector that doesn’t always make it easy.
This program is for nonprofit leaders who are tired of white-knuckling their way through and are ready to lead with more calm, more self-assurance, and a lot less self-criticism.
If that sounds like you, I’d love to connect. Book a call to explore whether this is the right fit.