On this particular morning, near Delphi, the sun was bright but not yet scorching. I was squinting to see up the road for the bus that would take me and my recently acquired travel companion south to Athens. I remember feeling the cool air warming up and hearing the insects buzzing in the trees.
Over the noise of the insects, traffic, and conversation among the people waiting for buses, I could also hear my travel companion complaining about something…again. I felt a weariness on my shoulders and reluctance in my head to spend more hours with them especially in the close confines of a bus. But I had agreed to travel together, at least as far as Athens.
As the bus arrived and the door opened, I started to ready myself to board. Looking up at the destination sign on the front, I knew just enough Greek to realize that this was the wrong bus; it was heading north, not to Athens.
I got on the bus and went north—alone.
Was that a ‘nice’ thing to do? No.
Was it a turning point for me? Yes, a big one.
In that moment I made a choice; I chose myself.
It was a shocking and profound moment. I still remember the feeling more than 35 years later.
Why do we give away our choice?
Why do we live our lives as if our responsibility is to support others, what they need and want?
Have you been there?
Doing things because a voice in your head told you it was required?
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Staying late to finish the report because your board wants to read it over the weekend?
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Biting your tongue to keep the peace at another family gathering?
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Taking the first job offer because it’s the responsible thing to do?
Those internalized messages to be a good girl, good employee, or good parent are so deeply embedded, we often don’t even notice them.
I almost went to Athens that day because my brain (and my upbringing) told me I had no choice…except my brain was wrong, I did have a choice.
Awareness brings choice
Those feelings of weariness and reluctance? They were familiar. They were messages to pay attention. The moment I connected the physical feelings with the internalized message to be good, was self-awareness that I was not making a choice for me.
That pause where I saw I had a choice—changed me. I began to understand that I always have a choice, even when my inner saboteurs are working overtime to convince me we don’t. And, when the choice might be to honour what I wanted even though I was letting someone else down.
The choices you’re not seeing
Our saboteurs are experts at hiding our choices from us. The Avoider whispers that we “can’t” face the hard thing right now. The Controller insists that only we know the right way to complete the task. Pleaser says that what other people want is most important. Old habits of thought feel automatic, like they’re just “who we are.”
The truth is that even recognizing the habit IS a choice—and a powerful one.
When I paused at the bus stop, I made several choices without realizing it at first. I chose to listen to all that I was feeling and not override it. I chose curiosity about what I wanted. I chose awareness over autopilot.
You don’t have to believe everything you think
Looking back, I now can recognize the embodied weariness I felt as a saboteur-induced feeling and the belief, a saboteur belief. In my case, it was Avoider with a side order of Victim.
These beliefs and feelings in our bodies and in our hearts feel completely true and real because they are. But rather than believe every thought we have, what if you paid attention to that thought? Held it up to the light and explored it with curiosity? Maybe it’s not a fact but a belief to release?
When old patterns return
Old patterns can be hard to recognize and overcome. When old patterns resurface, it’s just a reminder that you’re human.
Mental Fitness tools have been helping me overcome my inner sabotage for years and my saboteurs still regularly show up. The difference isn’t that the patterns disappear—it’s that when I recognize them, I usually know I have a choice in how I respond.
I work with my executive coaching clients to pause and notice their feelings and inner voices. Rather than react from a belief that they have no choice, I coach them to be curious about any physical feelings or emotions that arise and to ask themselves about that belief to decide if it is true or not. If it is not true, to make a choice and to consider taking one small step towards what they truly want and believe. To sometimes make choices that not everyone else is going to like. And to be compassionate with themselves as imperfect, lovely humans.
A challenge for you
Notice when you believe you have no choice. Pause—even for ten seconds of PQ reps or deep breathing—and explore:
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Is this belief true and based in fact?
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What are the physical or emotional sensations that I’m feeling?
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Are these saboteur messages that I can let go of?
It’s both important to acknowledge the feelings and beliefs AND not let them make all your decisions.
If you’re ready, ask yourself what’s the smallest choice you can make for you?
You don’t have to make massive changes. Often the most effective choice is very small: put on your workout gear, open the document, say no to the request.
The beauty of small choices is that they remind you that you have agency. They build evidence that you’re not stuck, even when your brain tells you that you are.
Make that choice of awareness, action, or self-compassion, intentionally. Notice how it feels to exercise your agency, even in a small way.
Notice how it feels to choose you.
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