self care |

You Always Have Choice

by Lucy White | Dec 16, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, self care

On this particular morning, near Delphi, the sun was bright but not yet scorching. I was squinting to see up the road for the bus that would take me and my recently acquired travel companion south to Athens. I remember feeling the cool air warming up and hearing the insects buzzing in the trees.

Over the noise of the insects, traffic, and conversation among the people waiting for buses, I could also hear my travel companion complaining about something…again. I felt a weariness on my shoulders and reluctance in my head to spend more hours with them especially in the close confines of a bus. But I had agreed to travel together, at least as far as Athens.

As the bus arrived and the door opened, I started to ready myself to board. Looking up at the destination sign on the front, I knew just enough Greek to realize that this was the wrong bus; it was heading north, not to Athens.

I got on the bus and went north—alone.

Was that a ‘nice’ thing to do? No.

Was it a turning point for me? Yes, a big one.

In that moment I made a choice; I chose myself.

It was a shocking and profound moment. I still remember the feeling more than 35 years later.

Why do we give away our choice?

Why do we live our lives as if our responsibility is to support others, what they need and want?

Have you been there?

Doing things because a voice in your head told you it was required?

Staying late to finish the report because your board wants to read it over the weekend?
Biting your tongue to keep the peace at another family gathering?
Taking the first job offer because it’s the responsible thing to do?

Those internalized messages to be a good girl, good employee, or good parent are so deeply embedded, we often don’t even notice them.

I almost went to Athens that day because my brain (and my upbringing) told me I had no choice…except my brain was wrong, I did have a choice.

Awareness brings choice

Those feelings of weariness and reluctance? They were familiar. They were messages to pay attention. The moment I connected the physical feelings with the internalized message to be good, was self-awareness that I was not making a choice for me.

That pause where I saw I had a choice—changed me. I began to understand that I always have a choice, even when my inner saboteurs are working overtime to convince me we don’t. And, when the choice might be to honour what I wanted even though I was letting someone else down.

The choices you’re not seeing

Our saboteurs are experts at hiding our choices from us. The Avoider whispers that we “can’t” face the hard thing right now. The Controller insists that only we know the right way to complete the task. Pleaser says that what other people want is most important. Old habits of thought feel automatic, like they’re just “who we are.”

The truth is that even recognizing the habit IS a choice—and a powerful one.

When I paused at the bus stop, I made several choices without realizing it at first. I chose to listen to all that I was feeling and not override it. I chose curiosity about what I wanted. I chose awareness over autopilot.

You don’t have to believe everything you think

Looking back, I now can recognize the embodied weariness I felt as a saboteur-induced feeling and the belief, a saboteur belief. In my case, it was Avoider with a side order of Victim.

These beliefs and feelings in our bodies and in our hearts feel completely true and real because they are. But rather than believe every thought we have, what if you paid attention to that thought? Held it up to the light and explored it with curiosity? Maybe it’s not a fact but a belief to release?

When old patterns return

Old patterns can be hard to recognize and overcome. When old patterns resurface, it’s just a reminder that you’re human.

Mental Fitness tools have been helping me overcome my inner sabotage for years and my saboteurs still regularly show up. The difference isn’t that the patterns disappear—it’s that when I recognize them, I usually know I have a choice in how I respond.

I work with my executive coaching clients to pause and notice their feelings and inner voices. Rather than react from a belief that they have no choice, I coach them to be curious about any physical feelings or emotions that arise and to ask themselves about that belief to decide if it is true or not. If it is not true, to make a choice and to consider taking one small step towards what they truly want and believe. To sometimes make choices that not everyone else is going to like. And to be compassionate with themselves as imperfect, lovely humans.

A challenge for you

Notice when you believe you have no choice. Pause—even for ten seconds of PQ reps or deep breathing—and explore:

Is this belief true and based in fact?
What are the physical or emotional sensations that I’m feeling?
Are these saboteur messages that I can let go of?

It’s both important to acknowledge the feelings and beliefs AND not let them make all your decisions.

If you’re ready, ask yourself what’s the smallest choice you can make for you?

You don’t have to make massive changes. Often the most effective choice is very small: put on your workout gear, open the document, say no to the request.

The beauty of small choices is that they remind you that you have agency. They build evidence that you’re not stuck, even when your brain tells you that you are.

Make that choice of awareness, action, or self-compassion, intentionally. Notice how it feels to exercise your agency, even in a small way.

Notice how it feels to choose you.

🚌 🚌 🚌 🚌 🚌

Curious about nonprofit executive coaching?

Ready to start building your capacity to recognize and exercise choice?

I have space in my schedule now for three nonprofit executive coaching clients.

Reply to this email or book time on my calendar here to explore if working with me is right for you

The Dopamine Challenge Every Nonprofit Leader Faces (And How to Win It)

by Lucy White | Nov 19, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, self care

It’s 5 PM and you’re exhausted from another day of nonprofit leadership. The board meeting was brutal, your inbox exploded, and a major project partner just ghosted you. Your hand reaches for the wine bottle almost automatically. Or maybe it’s the snack drawer. Or online shopping. You know these habits aren’t serving you, but somehow you keep coming back.

Here’s what’s actually happening: you’re chasing dopamine.

And nonprofit executive coaching can help you understand why.

What Dopamine Is and Why It Matters

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger your brain uses to send signals between nerve cells and throughout your body. It plays a starring role in how you experience pleasure, rewards, motivation, and focus.

When you do something that feels good, your brain releases a rush of dopamine. That rush feels so satisfying that you naturally want to repeat whatever triggered it. This reward system affects everything from your ability to learn and concentrate to your sleep, mood, and stress response.

The problem? Your brain doesn’t distinguish between dopamine from a productive afternoon and dopamine from the third pair of shoes in your cart. It just knows it wants more of that good feeling.

The Dopamine Dilemma for Nonprofit Executives

When dopamine levels are balanced, you feel motivated, alert, and focused. But when they’re low—which can happen with chronic stress, poor sleep, and the relentless demands of nonprofit leadership—you experience:

Little motivation to tackle your goals
No pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
Low energy and difficulty concentrating
Anxiety, sadness, or trouble sleeping

Sound familiar? Many nonprofit leaders are walking around with depleted dopamine, reaching for quick fixes that provide temporary relief but leave them feeling worse in the long run.

The Solution: Healthy Dopamine Swaps for Leadership Wellness

The good news is that you can increase dopamine naturally through:

Regular exercise and adequate sleep
Foods high in magnesium and tyrosine (think chicken, leafy greens, almonds, bananas)
Meditation and mindfulness practices
Mental Fitness and PQ Reps

Wait! PQ Reps increase dopamine?

Yes, yes they do.

The shift in consciousness while practicing PQ Reps triggers dopamine release. But unlike pricey shoes or more chocolate, PQ Reps give you the dopamine boost without the downside.

The Foundation of Mental Fitness for Nonprofit Leaders

I think of PQ Reps as the foundation of Mental Fitness—a leadership development practice that strengthens your ability to respond to challenges with clarity rather than stress. When you do a PQ Rep, you’re activating the parts of your brain associated with calm, clear-headed action—what I call your Sage brain. At the same time, you’re quieting the region that generates stress and self-sabotage.

PQ Reps are like push-ups for your brain. Each 10-second rep—whether you’re focusing on your breath, rubbing your fingertips together, or listening intently to sounds around you—literally builds new neural pathways. With consistent practice, you train your brain to shift from stress-driven reactions to wise, values-based responses. And you get that dopamine hit your brain craves.

When I notice myself wanting an indulgence that provides dopamine but isn’t healthy—sweets, shopping, scrolling—I pause and do PQ Reps instead. I focus intensely on physical sensations: the feeling of my fingertips rubbing together, my feet on the floor, and the sounds around me. Within seconds, my brain starts to deliver the dopamine hit it was craving, and I’ve strengthened my mental fitness instead of undermining it.

Your Dopamine Challenge

This week, identify one unhealthy habit you use for dopamine hits. Maybe it’s scrolling social media when stressed, snacking, or pouring wine at the end of hard days.

Then, try this swap: when the urge hits, do 10 seconds of PQ Reps instead. Rub your fingertips together and focus entirely on the sensation. Or close your eyes and listen to the layers of sounds around you.

You might be surprised to discover that your brain doesn’t actually care whether the dopamine comes from the wine bottle or from 10 seconds of focused attention. But your body, your leadership, and your nonprofit organization will definitely notice the difference.

Nonprofit Executive Coaching & Mental Fitness

Curious about how nonprofit executive coaching and Mental Fitness can help you build sustainable habits that support your wellbeing and nonprofit leadership? Let’s connect for a complimentary discovery call. We can explore if this work is right for you.

Building Resilience Before You Need It

by Lucy White | Nov 6, 2025 | burnout, Coaching, executive coaching, Mental Fitness, Perspective, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, resilience, Saboteurs, self care

Last week, I had the privilege of recording three short “chats” about resilience for students in the University of Toronto Arts Management Program. This newsletter is based on my remarks.

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In 30-plus years working in the arts, I’ve seen too many talented leaders hit a wall. Not because they weren’t capable or committed, but because they didn’t know how to recognize the warning signs of burnout or what to do about them.

I experienced this myself in a job where my workload was heavy but manageable, until it wasn’t. Over time, I had less autonomy, inadequate recognition for my efforts, and an employer who refused to discuss fair compensation or workload adjustments. I didn’t know then what I know now: that burnout doesn’t always announce itself with trumpets. It can creep up quietly.

The Real Cost of Burnout

Burnout isn’t just about working too many hours for too long, although that’s part of it. It’s a medical condition that shows up as:

🔥 Exhaustion: waking up tired and disrupted sleep that doesn’t refresh you
🔥 Cynicism: feeling like your work doesn’t matter, growing pessimism and a negative attitude
🔥 Ineffectiveness: working hard but accomplishing little, not knowing where to start, and feeling incompetent

These symptoms don’t happen in isolation. Burnout typically results from six workplace factors: excessive workloads, lack of autonomy, insufficient rewards (both extrinsic and intrinsic), absence of supportive community, and unfair treatment.

Sound familiar? It does to many arts leaders I work with.

What Resilience Actually Means

I like to think about resilience as a mental muscle that helps us recover from setbacks and disappointments. The stronger this muscle, the more quickly we bounce back. Resilient people are less likely to react negatively to stress, less prone to self-sabotage through perfectionism, people-pleasing, or hyper-vigilance.

In many ways, building resilience means creating the opposite conditions of burnout: learning to say no to excessive demands, making decisions and taking action from a place of clarity, developing genuine self-esteem, and cultivating supportive relationships.

My Path Back

When I finally recognized I couldn’t power through my exhaustion, I started with the fundamentals. With my doctor’s support, I focused on regular sleep, healthy eating, and movement. These aren’t optional extras; no one is actually at their best on five hours of sleep and coffee alone, no matter what we tell ourselves.

I committed to daily meditation and started journaling. Both gave me space for self-reflection and helped me notice patterns in my habits and behaviors that weren’t serving me. I became more aware of what I actually wanted, not just what others expected of me.

The last piece was making time for what restored my spirits: friends, family, hobbies, creativity for its own sake, time in nature, and being present with my daughter.

This didn’t happen overnight. Recovery from burnout and building resilience is a process. Don’t try to do it all at once—that just adds to your stress.

And What About Work?

Eventually, I left that job. As I developed resilience, I was able to set firmer boundaries and say no to unfair treatment. I built a network of colleagues who supported me and helped rebuild my self-esteem. I explored options and found work that was a better fit.

Here’s what I want you to know: if you’re working with a coach, counselor, or therapist to recover from burnout, that work should include examining your behaviors and patterns, your mindset, and the challenges in your home and work life.

One client came to me exhausted after running multiple small organizations through COVID. Their boards were demanding but mostly unhelpful. The pressure to pivot and fundraise for new programs, largely alone, was enormous. We worked together to see how their tendency to people-please and be hyper-vigilant was contributing to burnout. We created a plan that addressed the whole person—mindfulness, exercise, working with a naturopath—and importantly, improving boundaries and learning to say no.

How to Build Resilience Now

You don’t have to wait until you’re burned out to start building resilience. Start with what feels most urgent or important to you:

💪 Body: Pay attention to sleep, nutrition, movement, and rest (which is different from sleep).

🧠 Mind: Make time for self-reflection through meditation, journaling, walking, or other practices that create space for awareness.

💛 Heart: Prioritize creativity for its own sake, hobbies and play, nourishing relationships, spiritual practices, pets, and time in nature.

💼 Work: Develop skills like time management, prioritizing, and delegation. Learn to recognize when your brain and body are saying no. Practice having courageous conversations. Set and maintain boundaries. Understand your patterns of self-sabotage—perfectionism, controlling behavior, hyper-vigilance, people-pleasing, avoidance—and learn to intercept them.

Resilient leaders are more successful because they can draw on their creativity, innovate, and focus on taking action to achieve their goals. Burnout isn’t inevitable. Building resilience is a process that anyone can follow.

🌻 Interested in learning more about burnout and resilience? I’m planning a short series of newsletters focused on burnout and resilience as I work towards certification as a burnout specialist with Dr. Neha Sangwan, author of “Powered By Me: From Burned Out to Fully Charged at Work and in Life.” Email me at lucy@lucywhite.ca with “RESILIENCE” in the subject line and I’ll add you to the list.

🌻 Curious about building resilience and reducing stress in your leadership? The next cohort of the Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader program launches in the new year. Let’s connect to explore if this work is right for you.

How to Stop Self Sabotage

by Lucy White | Sep 17, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, Saboteurs, self care

Congratulations!

You’re making progress with setting boundaries. You’re saying no to time-wasters and energy drains. You’re saying no to tasks and people who violate your principles or don’t contribute to your vision and goals.

Now, you see space opening up in your calendar and more mental bandwidth for what matters most.

So why aren’t you making more progress on your biggest goals? Why aren’t you saying yes to the things that you want?

Because you haven’t learned to stop self-sabotage, yet!

Here is a short story about hamburgers, sort of.

The Webers sign is a familiar milestone on the drive to Muskoka (aka cottage country.) On a long-weekend Friday, I’ve seen a hundred people in line waiting for a burger or hot dog. But, in the 40 years I’ve been making the drive past, I’d never stopped. I’d tell myself, “It’s too crowded. I don’t like to line up for food. Those hamburgers can’t be that good!”

And, then, inexplicably, I did stop.

I lined up, waited patiently and then ate the burger.

Was it good? No.

Was it worth it? Yes!!

The hamburger wasn’t the point.

Intercepting self-sabotage was.

The ‘reasons’ I hadn’t stopped over the years were self-sabotage. And, although this particular scenario is trivial, it’s part of a pattern of talking myself out of things I want to try. Letting my saboteurs say no, when I wanted to say yes.

Here’s what I’ve noticed in my work with nonprofit leaders: once you master boundaries and create time for your priorities, you’re building tolerance for change. And, suddenly your internal saboteurs get louder. They’re like that friend who’s supportive when you’re stuck in neutral but has all kinds of negative opinions when you start changing.

As I shared in my recent article about boundaries, learning to say no gives you the capacity to say yes to what truly matters. But saying yes to your vision and goals requires a different flex of your mental muscles—learning to recognize and overcome the ways we undermine our own progress through self-sabotage. Learning to stop self sabotage.

Understanding Self-Sabotaging Behaviours: Why We Get in Our Own Way

Self-sabotage isn’t random. Research shows that self-sabotaging behaviours like perfectionism, hyper-rationalism, and procrastination are prevalent across work, relationships, and personal goals. We each have a specific set of internal saboteurs that developed from our inherent strengths.

As we encountered difficult situations throughout life, we relied on those strengths to keep us safe. Over time, those strengths were overdeveloped and now as adults continue to show up to keep us safe and small.

How to Identify Your Self-Sabotage Patterns

The key is knowing how your saboteurs are running your personal show. Research by Positive Intelligence shows that there are 10 saboteurs and that we all have them in varying intensity (yes, you too! I have Avoider and Victim most prominently.)

Common types of self-sabotaging behaviours include:

Procrastination – Avoiding difficult tasks or conflicts to focus on the pleasant
Shiny object chasing – Never feeling at rest or satisfied and needing constant busyness
Perfectionism – Constant striving for perfection in all things, so nothing is ever good enough
People-pleasing – Flattering, rescuing or pleasing others to gain acceptance and love
Victimhood – Feeling self-pity, helplessness, and that things will always go wrong, so why try?

Once you become familiar with your saboteur patterns, you’ll start noticing them everywhere—when you postpone calling that major donor because you’re “waiting for the perfect time,” when you spend hours researching instead of writing that board presentation, or when you talk yourself out of trying that new hiking trail because it might be too difficult.

This awareness is your foundation. When you can predict how your saboteurs operate, you’re ready to start intercepting them in real-time and choosing a different path forward.

Want to identify and understand your top saboteurs? For only $37, I can help you understand exactly which patterns are holding you back and how. Click here to book your 45 minute Saboteur Discovery session.

Three Reasons Your Personal Boundaries Don’t Work (And How to Fix Them)

by Lucy White | Sep 10, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, self care, Values

“Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not available at this time.”

This is all I wrote when I declined to write a graduate school reference letter for a former colleague I had worked with briefly.

I had been brooding over my reply for a couple of weeks. I was surprised by how resentful I felt about this request. When the first email was followed by a second and then a text, I felt pushed. The text felt aggressive.

At the same time, I felt petty to be wanting to protect my time and boxed in by the request, feeling that I was holding this person’s future in my hands and therefore was obligated to agree.

What to do?

The Uncomfortable Truth About Boundaries

Life coach Nancy Levin says, a boundary is an agreement between you and yourself about what you will or will not do, accept or tolerate. A boundary is how you uphold a value or principle in your life. It is not about controlling other people and their behaviour. When you experience resentment, guilt, and other negative feelings, those feelings are signals that you are disrespecting your own boundaries.

Take a minute and let that sink in.

In my case, someone asked me to do them a favour and I felt resentful to have been asked even though I had total freedom to say no. So why did I have big negative feelings?

Digging deeper, I realized that I didn’t believe I had the right to protect my time, I didn’t have a “good reason” to decline, and more painfully, I didn’t feel I had the right to say no to a request with absolutely nothing in it for me.

Aha! My saboteurs wanted me to ignore my boundaries so they were sending me the message that I was not entitled to value myself that highly.

I felt selfish saying no but I did it anyway because what I really wanted, more than earning goodwill for writing the letter, was time to myself.

Three Common Boundary Mistakes You Are Probably Making

Boundaries are not about other people; they’re about you. You may want cousin Babs to stop making sexist jokes but your boundary is not a rule for them. It’s a rule for you. A clear statement about your boundary could be: “Babs, I don’t appreciate sexist jokes, so I’m going to leave if you continue.”
Resentment and guilt are signals that you, not others, are disrespecting your boundaries. When someone else’s behaviour triggers those feelings ask yourself what boundary is being challenged and why you feel you can’t say no. Saboteur-driven wants could be needing to: be liked or to earn affection, be a hero, avoid criticism or blame, or control another person’s experience. Protect your boundaries and say no to requests or circumstances that are out of alignment with what you truly want.
Boundaries are not walls, they are gates. Levin uses the metaphor of healthy, well-maintained personal boundaries as gateways to freedom. When you guard your values and principles, and focus on what you most desire, boundaries support you and your goals by creating space, preserving your energy, and maintaining your emotional safety.

Saying No Without Guilt

I’d like to tell you that saying no to writing the letter caused my feeling of selfishness to vanish. The reality is that I need more practice at setting healthy boundaries, recognizing and correcting my own boundary-breaking thoughts and behaviours, and more comfort with valuing myself highly enough to say no.

And, I’ll keep practicing and sitting in the discomfort until I get there.

If you realize you need to develop or refine healthy boundaries for work or home, connect with me here to explore how Mental Fitness coaching can help.

Don’t Forget to Celebrate That You Forgot!

by Lucy White | Aug 29, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, self care

Pop quiz time!

On Saturday, you promised yourself to walk every morning before work to improve your health. On Friday, you realize that you forgot to walk for the last two days. You:

Criticize yourself for being forgetful “as always!”
Commit to double-up your steps this weekend because “no pain, no gain!”
Give yourself a high-five in the mirror while saying “good job!”

When I tell my clients that the most motivating answer is ‘3’ they usually give me a very confused look. They think I want them to celebrate their failures.

Not exactly.

I want them to celebrate that they remembered they forgot! 😵

Why Should Nonprofit Leaders Celebrate Failure?

Although it’s baked into our culture, and maybe our DNA, to be critical of any kind of failure, most of us understand that forgetting is natural.

We:

order fries instead of salad (that’s me!)
drive instead of walk
react before taking three deep breaths
send the email without the attachment (also me!)

I’m sure you can think of a time (or more!) where you just forgot. It happens to all of us.

But instead of beating yourself up with critical thoughts, what I want you to try is to celebrate when you remember.

How Celebrating Builds Mental Fitness

Celebrating does two interesting things to our bodies and brains. First, a celebratory act releases the various feel-good hormones, like endorphins, into our systems.

Second, by rewarding our brains we train them to respond positively to failure. We lessen self-deprecating thoughts and our brains associate good feelings with the action we forgot. This improves the likelihood we will remember next time.

In my Mental Fitness programs, we frame this as moving from self-sabotage to sage wisdom. Learn more about Mental Fitness for nonprofit leaders, here.

What’s the Best Way to Celebrate?

Great ways to celebrate are to enjoy a sensory moment. Some examples that feel great and don’t drain your bank account:

sing or whistle
do a happy dance (The Twist, anyone?)
enjoy a special nibble
spend a few minutes in your garden or with your pet
give yourself a warm hug

Will you remember to give this a try? Let me know how you do!

Lucy White Coaching