As I headed out to work elsewhere, I ran into my neighbour in the condo lobby. “Must be nice to be able to go out for fun instead of sweating all day like I have to,” they said in a unfriendly tone.
Yikes! My face got hot and my stomach flipped over. Two signs that my inner judge was fired up instantly.
Remember my sweaty morning meltdown when the air conditioning broke? I shared how my technique of “accept or convert” rescued me from turning an annoyance into a day-ruining drama. But it’s what happened next that really tested this approach.
When Judgement Gets Personal
Broken HVAC systems are one thing. Judging people – others and ourselves – is where things get stressful. That comment from my neighbour triggered a stream of judgemental thoughts: “They’re so whiny and sorry for themselves.” “I’m not going out for fun. Who do they think they are, commenting on what I’m doing?”
Then came the judgement about my own judgment: “Oh, now I’m being the whiny one.” “Why do I care what a stranger thinks about me?” “Just let this go! “
Sound familiar? We judge others for their behaviour, then judge ourselves for being judgemental. It’s our inner critic and it’s freaking exhausting.
The People Problem
Like circumstances, other people trigger our deepest stories about fairness, respect, and self-worth. When someone butts in line, speaks rudely or dismissively, our inner judge doesn’t just react to their behaviour – it creates stories about who they are, their intentions, and what it all means about us.
The same happens with self-judgement. We don’t just notice we made a mistake; our Judge decides we’re incompetent, lazy, or flawed in some other way.
Accept or Convert
Here’s how to apply the same framework when your inner judge targets other people or yourself:
Step One: Breathe and Catch the Judge
The moment you notice judgement – whether about someone else’s behaviour or your own perceived failures – pause. Place your hands on your heart, feel your feet, breathe. You’re not stopping the judgement; you’re creating space around it.
Step Two: Get Curious About the Judgement
Ask yourself: “Am I making up a story about this person? What could be true instead? What might also be true about them or their actions?”
If you’re judging yourself, ask: “What story am I telling about myself? Is this true? Is this how I would speak to a friend in this situation? If not, what would I say?” Curiosity moves the focus from judgement to empathy.
Step Three: Choose Your Response
Accepting the person’s behaviour (including your own) means recognizing we’re all human, complex, and probably doing their best with their current resources. In most cases, acceptance saves your mental and physical energy for things that really matter.
Converting means finding the gift or opportunity hidden in the interaction. The gift can be greater knowledge, increased strength of character or being able to take focused action.
I might understand that my neighbour’s comment exposed my own insecurities about working for myself.
Maybe I’d recognize that my Victim saboteur is super competitive and doesn’t want anyone else to be worse off than I am.
Perhaps there’s an opportunity for action: getting an HVAC update from the condo manager, inviting my neighbour for iced coffee at the café, or creating my own ‘employee manual’ to clarify my rules for self-employment.
The Learning in Letting Go
When I dialed down judging my neighbour and myself, things shifted. I understood that their comment said more about their choices than mine.
And my defensiveness? Just human. Normal. Nothing to fix or beat myself up for.
Later, typing up a storm in a cool coffee shop, I felt how much the whole small experience was a reminder of how much I still had to learn about myself and self-judgement.
Your Judgement Challenge
This week, I invite you to notice when your inner judge fixates on someone’s behaviour or your own human shortcomings.
Try the accept or convert approach. What shifts when you respond with curiosity instead of judgement? Can you transform your inner critic?
Hit reply to let me know how the experience was for you!
Judgement is human, but it doesn’t have to stress you and run your life. You always have the choice to accept or convert even your harshest judgements into opportunities and gifts.