Lucy White Coaching

Three Reasons Your Personal Boundaries Don’t Work (And How to Fix Them)

Three Reasons Your Personal Boundaries Don’t Work (And How to Fix Them)

by | Sep 10, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, self care, Values

“Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not available at this time.”

This is all I wrote when I declined to write a graduate school reference letter for a former colleague I had worked with briefly.

I had been brooding over my reply for a couple of weeks. I was surprised by how resentful I felt about this request. When the first email was followed by a second and then a text, I felt pushed. The text felt aggressive.

At the same time, I felt petty to be wanting to protect my time and boxed in by the request, feeling that I was holding this person’s future in my hands and therefore was obligated to agree.

What to do?

The Uncomfortable Truth About Boundaries

Life coach Nancy Levin says, a boundary is an agreement between you and yourself about what you will or will not do, accept or tolerate. A boundary is how you uphold a value or principle in your life. It is not about controlling other people and their behaviour. When you experience resentment, guilt, and other negative feelings, those feelings are signals that you are disrespecting your own boundaries.

Take a minute and let that sink in.

In my case, someone asked me to do them a favour and I felt resentful to have been asked even though I had total freedom to say no. So why did I have big negative feelings?

Digging deeper, I realized that I didn’t believe I had the right to protect my time, I didn’t have a “good reason” to decline, and more painfully, I didn’t feel I had the right to say no to a request with absolutely nothing in it for me.

Aha! My saboteurs wanted me to ignore my boundaries so they were sending me the message that I was not entitled to value myself that highly.

I felt selfish saying no but I did it anyway because what I really wanted, more than earning goodwill for writing the letter, was time to myself.

Three Common Boundary Mistakes You Are Probably Making

  1. Boundaries are not about other people; they’re about you. You may want cousin Babs to stop making sexist jokes but your boundary is not a rule for them. It’s a rule for you. A clear statement about your boundary could be: “Babs, I don’t appreciate sexist jokes, so I’m going to leave if you continue.”
  2. Resentment and guilt are signals that you, not others, are disrespecting your boundaries. When someone else’s behaviour triggers those feelings ask yourself what boundary is being challenged and why you feel you can’t say no. Saboteur-driven wants could be needing to: be liked or to earn affection, be a hero, avoid criticism or blame, or control another person’s experience. Protect your boundaries and say no to requests or circumstances that are out of alignment with what you truly want.
  3. Boundaries are not walls, they are gates. Levin uses the metaphor of healthy, well-maintained personal boundaries as gateways to freedom. When you guard your values and principles, and focus on what you most desire, boundaries support you and your goals by creating space, preserving your energy, and maintaining your emotional safety.

Saying No Without Guilt

I’d like to tell you that saying no to writing the letter caused my feeling of selfishness to vanish. The reality is that I need more practice at setting healthy boundaries, recognizing and correcting my own boundary-breaking thoughts and behaviours, and more comfort with valuing myself highly enough to say no.

And, I’ll keep practicing and sitting in the discomfort until I get there.

If you realize you need to  develop or refine healthy boundaries for work or home, connect with me here to explore how Mental Fitness coaching can help.

How to Build Strong Connections in Four Steps

How to Build Strong Connections in Four Steps

by | Jul 10, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Group Coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Values

Sitting at brunch, I was stunned to hear my friend tell me exactly what kind of friend and colleague she thought I was–a terrible one. “You missed my 40th birthday party,” she said. “You haven’t been there for me at all; not at home and not at work. I don’t even know why I bother with this friendship anymore.”

I was completely blindsided. Yes, I had missed her party. In fact, I’d missed a lot of things. I was in the middle of a divorce and barely managing to keep myself together. I hadn’t even let her know I wouldn’t be coming.

But Amy didn’t ask about any of that. And I didn’t explain.

When Saboteurs Collide

Looking back through the lens of Mental Fitness, I can see exactly what happened. Amy’s Victim saboteur had completely taken over. The Victim saboteur causes us to focus solely on our internal feelings, particularly painful ones. Her disappointment about her birthday had evolved into a story where I was a bad, selfish friend who didn’t care about her.

Meanwhile, my Avoider saboteur kicked into high gear. Rather than calmly explaining what I was going through or trying to empathize with her feelings of being neglected, I simply walked away from the friendship and let our work connection cool. The Avoider’s desire to avoid any kind of difficult conversation meant I let our friendship end rather than doing the difficult work to build a strong connection.

The Cost of Saboteur Interference

When our saboteurs drive our relationships, we miss opportunities for the strong connections we crave. Amy’s Victim saboteur prevented her from extending empathy or curiosity about my situation. My Avoider saboteur robbed us of the opportunity to work through our conflict and strengthen our friendship.

Amy had created a story that my absence meant I didn’t value our connection. I had created a story that her anger was too threatening to deal with.

Working with Empathy, Curiosity, and Discernment

I wonder now what might have happened if we had approached this conflict with empathy, curiosity and discernment rather than judgement?

Empathy would have helped Amy consider that things might be happening in my life that could explain my absence. It would have helped me consider how important that milestone birthday was to her and understand how deeply she felt my absence.

Curiosity would have led to mutual questions instead of accusations. “I missed you at my party. Is everything okay?” instead of “You’re a terrible friend.” Or from my side: “I’m sorry for missing your party. You sound really hurt and angry. Is that what you’re feeling?”

Discernment would have guided us to a deeper understanding of whether our responses aligned with our values and whether the friendship was mutually valuable.

What Science Tells Us About Connection

When we operate from empathy and curiosity rather than saboteur messages, we create what researchers call “psychological safety”—the sense that we can be vulnerable, make mistakes, and still be accepted. This is the foundation of fulfilling relationships.

Practical Steps to Build Strong Connections

Notice Your Saboteurs: When you feel triggered in a relationship, pause and ask: “Is a saboteur activated right now?” Are you creating negative stories about the other person’s intentions?

Use the “WIN” Question: When relationship conflicts arise, ask yourself “What’s Important Now?” Often, the answer isn’t being right–it’s preserving or deepening the connection.

Practice Empathy: Before deciding what someone’s behavior means, get curious about what might be driving it. What might they be experiencing that you don’t see?

Be Discerning: Sometimes ending relationships is the healthiest discerning choice; sometimes our saboteurs push us into judgement and behaviours that weaken rather than strengthen relationships that we value.

Sadly, Amy and I never did reconnect. But from that experience, I have worked to intercept my saboteurs and navigate my relationships from a place of self-compassion, empathy for my friends, and mutual curiosity.

Relationships at work, in our families, and with our friends will always come with challenges. How we choose to meet those challenges determines whether those challenges lead to the deeper connections we all desire.

Ready to Transform Your Relationships?

If you find your work and personal relationships challenging, if you want to improve them and create more fulfilling connections, and you’re curious about how Mental Fitness can help, I invite you to join the upcoming Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader course beginning September 8.

This comprehensive group program will give you the tools to recognize your saboteurs in real time, strengthen your inner powers including empathy and curiosity, and build the kind of stronger connections that energize rather than drain you–both personally and professionally.

With limited places available to ensure individual support and attention, early bird pricing is available until August 8.

Register here!

Don’t let another important relationship end because of saboteur thinking. Use these four steps to build strong connections.

I Woke Up a Sweaty Mess Today

I Woke Up a Sweaty Mess Today

by | May 15, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Perspective, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Values

I woke up a sweaty mess today.

The air conditioning in my building is broken and now, with the sun barely up, my condo is 28 C. Did I mention I have a south-west facing space? It is only going to get hotter.

My first response was a spurt of judgement. “This happens every spring! Why don’t they test the system before the deadline? Why does this always happen to me?”*

Do you do this, too? Encounter a frustrating molehill of a situation and then make a mountain of judgement and drama out of it?

If you’re thinking “Uh Lucy? You’re right to be upset; it’s going to ruin your day!”

Well, yes. Except staying upset would have only hurt me. Nothing about the circumstance would change.

Here’s what I did instead of fuelling my upset, ruining my entire day, and staying sweaty, too!

Accept or convert

  • I took a breath! Connecting with my breath is always step one when I’m feeling judgy. Sometimes it helps to place my hands over my heart or to focus on my feet. In a minute or two, I’m usually ready to take the next step as I’m out of my head and have paused my inner judge.
  • I brought curiosity to the circumstance I’m in. I asked myself: “What might I do here? What happens if I accept the situation? What options do I have for converting my circumstances into a gift or opportunity?” All these questions bring calm and creativity.
  • And, I explored my options. Accepting meant staying home in an oven, being uncomfortable and likely unproductive. Converting or changing my circumstances led me to explore options like working elsewhere. The library, park, coffee shop or a friend’s place were all possible options. I also thought about taking the day off work. Key to my decision was wanting to meet two deadlines so I opted to work elsewhere.

I saved my own day. Circumstances converted; mountain returned to molehill!

Walking through the accept or convert process frees you from an exhausting and self-defeating fight against reality. From a clear-headed/hearted space, you can respond with creativity instead of reactivity.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you try it!

P.S. Bonus points if you noticed my Victim Saboteur jumping into the dialogue! It’s so determined.

You have to enter to win

You have to enter to win

by | May 21, 2024 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Perspective, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Values

In 1967, I won a silver dollar. It was a very exciting prize for a seven-year-old!

To enter the contest, I had to colour-in a Smartie on a black and white picture inside the Smarties box and mail in the box. It was only by watching a tv ad, where an identical picture briefly lit-up the “correct” Smartie, that you knew which one to colour.

It was one of the many silly Centennial Year events held in 1967–most of which had only a very tenuous connection to 1867. (Ask me sometime about the town pajama parade.) But it was a memorable win for me.

Why? Because it was the first and last time I won a prize.

For decades, I believed that I have terrible luck. 

But the truth is, I never entered.

And, you have to enter to win. It’s simple.

My question for you is, which of your life goals are you missing because you just don’t enter?
  • If you never start training, you won’t complete a 5K run.
  • Procrastinating on putting cash into a vacation savings account, means you’ll never make that big trip to Paris or Machu Picchu.
  • Prioritizing everything but professional development, means you may not have the skills needed for that promotion.
The cost to you of staying on the sidelines are missed opportunities and unrealized potential.

Why do we do this? Self-sabotage.

Negative inner voices can stop you from putting yourself forward, from taking action, and from reaching your goals. You might think they are keeping you safe but in fact, they are keeping you small, invisible, and disappointed.

Those saboteurs come in many styles and flavours but they all seed self-doubt.
  • Avoider saboteur tells you to put off taking steps to achieve your goals
  • Pleaser saboteur says you’ll hurt your relationships if you prioritize your wishes
  • Stickler saboteur demands perfection and this prevents you from taking imperfect action
  • Hyper-vigilant saboteur has you imagine 101 things that could go wrong if you take steps to make your dreams come true.
Self-sabotage is a mental and emotional barrier to reaching your goals.

Here are a couple of tools that will help you quiet self-sabotage and to feel more confident and self-assured.

  • Visualize what success and positive outcomes look like to you. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting an award for exceptional work, crossing a finish line with hands in the air, or cuddling with grandchildren or rescue pups.
  • Focus your time and attention on what is truly important to you from a long-term perspective. The environment, your family, a legacy project? Schedule regular time in your day or week to make consistent progress.
  • Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. (I made my bed today, high five me!) Train your brain to expect and enjoy success.

I work with women nonprofit executives to help them recognize and intercept self-sabotaging messages and to replace them with habits of mind that cultivate the self-confidence they need to realize their goals.

Through Mental Fitness coaching with me, you’ll learn accessible practices and tools that support you in relieving self-sabotage, identifying your career and personal goals, and taking concrete actions that put you on the path to success. You’ll enter to win!

If you are curious about the benefits of Mental Fitness, how it works, or if coaching is for you, I’d love to connect.

  • Book time on my calendar here
  • Follow me on LinkedIn or Instagram
  • Subscribe to my newsletter 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼
Do you keep your promises to yourself? Two ideas to make it easier.

Do you keep your promises to yourself? Two ideas to make it easier.

by | Apr 19, 2023 | Coaching, Group Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Team Coaching, Values

Isn’t this spring crazy busy? I see you and how many conferences, grant applications, launches and openings you’ve got going on. I hope you’re taking time to stop and smell the hyacinths!

In March, I was busy getting ready for the next cohort of Mental Fitness for Nonprofit Leaders.  I did a happy dance on April 1 as the new program got underway. I’m so proud of every person who commits to learning how to overcome stress, negativity, or overwhelm so they can live the unique life they crave for themselves.

Speaking of commitments, I recently made a commitment to myself to up my writing game by sending twice monthly newsletters. Writing can trigger all kinds of saboteur voices trying to hold me back. On the other hand, I really don’t like the disappointment I feel when I let a saboteur voice distract me from emailing you!

Another thing I don’t like? Strawberries in salad. What a waste of a good strawberry. I’m working on improving my health with more veggies and exercise but a person has to draw a line somewhere. But that’s enough negativity about those misguided salads.

Let me share something I do like:  I like keeping my promises to myself!

I like remembering to prep the week’s meals on Sunday, to write thank you notes, and pay my bills on time. In the past, strong Avoider and Restless saboteurs could divert my attention or prevent me from even getting started.

I find that regular PQ Reps* through the day help keep me focused on the important things and stacking my habits means I don’t have to make constant fatiguing decisions.** I now do a few PQ Reps when I first wake up and whenever I plug in the kettle. I’ve recently stacked getting a latte on Saturday morning with going to the gym. No gym, no coffee!

Do you find it hard to stick to the promises that you make to yourself?

What tricks or tips do you have to keep you focussed on your commitments?

*Curious about PQ Reps? Here is a short video of me demonstrating a PQ Rep.

** Decision fatigue is a real thing! Read about decision fatigue here.

The light returns and other happy thoughts

by | Dec 21, 2022 | Coaching, gratitude, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Values

The light returns and other happy thoughts

Winter solstice is today and, at last, the light returns!As a dear friend says, one of the benefits of getting older is that winter goes by so much faster than it used to. Still, knowing the sun is on the return has to be one of the year’s happiest thoughts.

Many of us like to mark the turning of the year by taking a pause from every day busyness. We prioritize time with friends and family, quiet activities like reading and listening to music, and enjoying walks, crosswords, and board games.
 
I also love reading all the new best-of lists. I’m going to swipe an idea here from Melissa Kirsch who delights in people’s highly subjective and specific lists with no category being too idiosyncratic. 
 
My best-of list for 2022 has to include:

  • Recipe:  A terrific and easy recipe for squash and sausage pasta (so good!)
  • Gig:  Participating in a multimedia art installation. Mostly my role was buying the late-night Twizzlers but still, what a privilege.
  • Head smack:  Learning that exactly my kind of gym is just across the street(!) and actually going (yay, me!)
  • Leaving my comfort zone:  Recording a podcast for Arts Consultants Canada
  • Travel:  Crossing the Arctic Watershed for the first time. Surprisingly moving.
  • Animal:  Loons, loon calls, loon chicks; on my best-of list every year.
  • Professional development:  Becoming a Certified Mental Fitness Coach
  • Creative:  Finally finishing two socks. I hesitate to call any two things so mismatched a pair
    I was this old:  Winter cocktails! Dark ‘n Stormies Why did no one tell me?
    Person:  My clients, colleagues, friends, and family–definitely an idiosyncratic bunch–scrappy, brave, quirky and funny.

I’d love to hear what is on your best-of list this year! Hit Reply and let me know.
 
With gratitude

It has been a privilege to be in your inbox this year. I’m genuinely thrilled when I see that someone has opened my emails. Inboxes everywhere are too full and I’m so very appreciative of the time and attention you give to my thoughts. Thank you!
 
I wish you warmth, light, and love in the year ahead.