“Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not available at this time.”
This is all I wrote when I declined to write a graduate school reference letter for a former colleague I had worked with briefly.
I had been brooding over my reply for a couple of weeks. I was surprised by how resentful I felt about this request. When the first email was followed by a second and then a text, I felt pushed. The text felt aggressive.
At the same time, I felt petty to be wanting to protect my time and boxed in by the request, feeling that I was holding this person’s future in my hands and therefore was obligated to agree.
What to do?
The Uncomfortable Truth About Boundaries
Life coach Nancy Levin says, a boundary is an agreement between you and yourself about what you will or will not do, accept or tolerate. A boundary is how you uphold a value or principle in your life. It is not about controlling other people and their behaviour. When you experience resentment, guilt, and other negative feelings, those feelings are signals that you are disrespecting your own boundaries.
Take a minute and let that sink in.
In my case, someone asked me to do them a favour and I felt resentful to have been asked even though I had total freedom to say no. So why did I have big negative feelings?
Digging deeper, I realized that I didn’t believe I had the right to protect my time, I didn’t have a “good reason” to decline, and more painfully, I didn’t feel I had the right to say no to a request with absolutely nothing in it for me.
Aha! My saboteurs wanted me to ignore my boundaries so they were sending me the message that I was not entitled to value myself that highly.
I felt selfish saying no but I did it anyway because what I really wanted, more than earning goodwill for writing the letter, was time to myself.
Three Common Boundary Mistakes You Are Probably Making
- Boundaries are not about other people; they’re about you. You may want cousin Babs to stop making sexist jokes but your boundary is not a rule for them. It’s a rule for you. A clear statement about your boundary could be: “Babs, I don’t appreciate sexist jokes, so I’m going to leave if you continue.”
- Resentment and guilt are signals that you, not others, are disrespecting your boundaries. When someone else’s behaviour triggers those feelings ask yourself what boundary is being challenged and why you feel you can’t say no. Saboteur-driven wants could be needing to: be liked or to earn affection, be a hero, avoid criticism or blame, or control another person’s experience. Protect your boundaries and say no to requests or circumstances that are out of alignment with what you truly want.
- Boundaries are not walls, they are gates. Levin uses the metaphor of healthy, well-maintained personal boundaries as gateways to freedom. When you guard your values and principles, and focus on what you most desire, boundaries support you and your goals by creating space, preserving your energy, and maintaining your emotional safety.
Saying No Without Guilt
I’d like to tell you that saying no to writing the letter caused my feeling of selfishness to vanish. The reality is that I need more practice at setting healthy boundaries, recognizing and correcting my own boundary-breaking thoughts and behaviours, and more comfort with valuing myself highly enough to say no.
And, I’ll keep practicing and sitting in the discomfort until I get there.
If you realize you need to develop or refine healthy boundaries for work or home, connect with me here to explore how Mental Fitness coaching can help.