What To Do When Things Are Hard

What To Do When Things Are Hard

I haven’t connected in a while because some pretty significant things have been going on and I needed a break from emails, social media, socializing, and well just about everything.

I’m writing from my family cottage in beautiful Muskoka where I am taking two weeks to rest, reflect, and regroup. I am so very lucky to have this place to retreat to.

Writing is something I love (and often hate) so I thought that while I have no other pressures, it was a good time to let you know what’s been going on behind the scenes.

Family: My mum celebrated her 90th birthday in January and passed away in June. Her health had been up and down for the last year so while it was very sad, it wasn’t a surprise. But it’s definitely a loss that it takes time to adjust to. If you’ve been reading my emails for a while, you’ll know that I try to look for the gift or opportunity in every experience. I’ll write more about this later but for now, it was a gift to be with my siblings throughout this experience.

Consulting: I am thrilled to be working with the Burlington Performing Arts Centre as interim executive director. It is so fun to be in an arts space again. I’m learning so much and I’m very happy to be lending my skills to help BPAC in their leadership transition.

Coaching: The spring cohort of Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader wrapped up in early June. As always, I am blown away by how Mental Fitness practices combined with group coaching creates huge benefits for nonprofit leaders whether they are challenged by major life transitions or day-to-day activities.

One participant said: “What a difference!!! I had such a good productive day and had two potentially difficult meetings, which went quite well because right before them I did PQ Reps.”  I’m excited to be launching a new cohort in the fall.

Last but not least, I want to acknowledge the tremendous stress that comes with being present to the many conflicts happening in the world right now. I often feel that there is nothing I can do about world events (that’s a Victim saboteur response) and the impulse to look away is very strong. I would like to urge you and me to remember what to do when things are hard:

  1. You can be informed and set boundaries. Doom scrolling, engaging with trolls, or arguing with cranky Aunt Gladys will only deplete your energies and well-being.
  2. Focus on one or two causes that matter to you. Donate, write to your MP/MPP, or protest. Do what feels right to you.
  3. Give your emotions space. If you are angry, be angry. If you are sad, feel sad. Emotions are meant to be felt and moved through your body. They cause trouble when they are blocked or ignored.
  4. Eat your vegetables, get lots of sleep, move your body, and get outside. You are less likely to self-sabotage when you are rested and healthy. 

I’d love to hear how you are doing. What is challenging you or what is bringing you bliss? What would you add to the list above that helps you stay present without overwhelm?  

You have to enter to win

You have to enter to win

In 1967, I won a silver dollar. It was a very exciting prize for a seven-year-old!

To enter the contest, I had to colour-in a Smartie on a black and white picture inside the Smarties box and mail in the box. It was only by watching a tv ad, where an identical picture briefly lit-up the “correct” Smartie, that you knew which one to colour.

It was one of the many silly Centennial Year events held in 1967–most of which had only a very tenuous connection to 1867. (Ask me sometime about the town pajama parade.) But it was a memorable win for me.

Why? Because it was the first and last time I won a prize.

For decades, I believed that I have terrible luck. 

But the truth is, I never entered.

And, you have to enter to win. It’s simple.

My question for you is, which of your life goals are you missing because you just don’t enter?
  • If you never start training, you won’t complete a 5K run.
  • Procrastinating on putting cash into a vacation savings account, means you’ll never make that big trip to Paris or Machu Picchu.
  • Prioritizing everything but professional development, means you may not have the skills needed for that promotion.
The cost to you of staying on the sidelines are missed opportunities and unrealized potential.

Why do we do this? Self-sabotage.

Negative inner voices can stop you from putting yourself forward, from taking action, and from reaching your goals. You might think they are keeping you safe but in fact, they are keeping you small, invisible, and disappointed.

Those saboteurs come in many styles and flavours but they all seed self-doubt.
  • Avoider saboteur tells you to put off taking steps to achieve your goals
  • Pleaser saboteur says you’ll hurt your relationships if you prioritize your wishes
  • Stickler saboteur demands perfection and this prevents you from taking imperfect action
  • Hyper-vigilant saboteur has you imagine 101 things that could go wrong if you take steps to make your dreams come true.
Self-sabotage is a mental and emotional barrier to reaching your goals.

Here are a couple of tools that will help you quiet self-sabotage and to feel more confident and self-assured.

  • Visualize what success and positive outcomes look like to you. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting an award for exceptional work, crossing a finish line with hands in the air, or cuddling with grandchildren or rescue pups.
  • Focus your time and attention on what is truly important to you from a long-term perspective. The environment, your family, a legacy project? Schedule regular time in your day or week to make consistent progress.
  • Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small. (I made my bed today, high five me!) Train your brain to expect and enjoy success.

I work with women nonprofit executives to help them recognize and intercept self-sabotaging messages and to replace them with habits of mind that cultivate the self-confidence they need to realize their goals.

Through Mental Fitness coaching with me, you’ll learn accessible practices and tools that support you in relieving self-sabotage, identifying your career and personal goals, and taking concrete actions that put you on the path to success. You’ll enter to win!

If you are curious about the benefits of Mental Fitness, how it works, or if coaching is for you, I’d love to connect.

  • Book time on my calendar here
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  • Subscribe to my newsletter 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼
From Self-Doubt to Success: Use Consistency to Transform Your Mindset and Goals

From Self-Doubt to Success: Use Consistency to Transform Your Mindset and Goals

Did you know you can leverage your brain to consistently make progress on your goals? 
 
In early February I decided to write about consistency—why it matters, how hard it can be, and how to rewire our brains to be our ally.

Many people feel deflated around mid-February when they realize that they have not maintained the new habit or made progress on their new goal since the New Year. 

I thought the timing would be perfect.
 
Et voila!
 
The scientific marvel that is my brain went into a tailspin.
 
Reader, I was totally hijacked by self-judgement.
 
Setting myself the goal to write about consistency was enough to make me feel:

  • self-doubt—”who am I to tell the world what I think?” and
  • embarrassment—”you can’t even consistently produce a newsletter about consistency, you joke!”

Paradoxically, in trying to avoid the feelings that came up when I thought about how hard it is to be consistent, I fell into a pattern of avoidance and restlessness which only amplified my inconsistency.
 
After many (so many!) PQ Reps and solid coaching, I was able to get out of the tailspin and regain my equanimity.

I’m sharing this story because consistency matters and yes, it can be hard when a negative self-talk is in the way.
 
Consistency transforms our brains
It’s true that our brains are marvels. We now know that they adapt and change throughout our lives. This means we have immense potential to shape our brains to achieve our goals.
 
When we set a goal, our brains undergo a series of transformations. Specific regions, like the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus, become more active and are primed for change.
 
Consistent repetition, whether it’s practicing a skill or meditating daily, strengthens the neural connections associated with that action. In Mental Fitness, we describe this as strengthening our mental muscles. The stronger your mental muscles, the greater support you’ll have for taking action toward your goals.
 
The evidence is clear
Studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) have shown increased activation in goal-related brain regions with consistent practice.

For instance, a study on musicians found that consistent practice led to enhanced neural connectivity in areas responsible for motor control and auditory processing.
 
And, when our goals are associated with positive emotions, our brain releases dopamine, which causes pleasurable feelings and reinforces motivation and learning. This emotional link strengthens the neural pathways associated with the goal, making it more likely we’ll stick with it.
 
The beauty of compounding our efforts
Like interest on a savings account, the magic of consistency is that it has a compounding effect. Each successful action, each small win, strengthens your mental muscles and your belief in your ability to achieve the goal. This snowball effect builds momentum, making future actions easier and more rewarding (more dopamine!)
 
How to use consistency in the real world
Translating these findings into practical steps is key. Here are some strategies you can use today:

  • Set SMART goals: Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals provide clear direction and motivation.
  • Break down large goals into smaller, manageable steps: This makes them less daunting and allows for consistent progress.
  • Schedule your practice: Honour the importance of your goal pursuit by dedicating and protecting time in your calendar to work on your goal.
  • Find a coach or accountability partner: Having someone to share your journey with massively increases the likelihood you’ll reach your goal.
  • Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate: The smallest of wins deserves recognition! Acknowledging your progress reinforces the positive emotional connection to your goal. Did someone say, “dopamine?”

Consistency is a journey
Consistency is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks and distractions. Negative self-talk never completely goes away and it can hijack you at surprising moments.
 
If you practice empathy for yourself, learn from but don’t wallow in mistakes, and get back in the saddle when you fall off, you’ll make progress!
 
With each effort, you’re building mental muscles, using consistency to transform your mindset and goals, to create a strong foundation for that success you deserve.

Cultivating authentic leadership

Cultivating authentic leadership

Coaches talk about authenticity a lot. How to live an authentic life. How to be an authentic leader. How to know when you are or are not authentic.  But what does that really mean for nonprofit leaders like you? How do you cultivate authentic leadership?

At Thanksgiving, one of my family members became seriously ill and the situation required immediate attention. I’m happy that they are recovering well now but the impact on my other responsibilities was immediate. I missed some deadlines, forgot social commitments, and generally ignored any activity that wasn’t critical to helping them with their recovery. I put all but one role on hold. And, I’m (mostly) fine with that. I allowed myself to admit I couldn’t do it all and I didn’t judge myself for failing to meet all my goals. My role as a family member was my higher value.

An authentic person is one who is true to themselves and comfortable with who they are. They know their highest values as well as their strengths and weaknesses. They are consistent, reliable, and willing to be vulnerable. They and we know who they are.

It’s no surprise that one of the attributes most highly rated in successful leaders is authenticity.

Authentic leaders are self-aware. They are able to be consistently themselves because they make decisions based on their values, build on their strengths, and are vulnerable enough to accept their imperfections. These leaders inspire trust!

But how many of us feel confident bringing our true selves to our role as leaders? How many of us, women especially, have been advised to mold ourselves into some bland, humourless, impervious, grey suit-wearing version of “leader?” How many nonprofit leaders feel stress and that they are “imposters” as a result?

Many years ago, I worked in an office with a long central corridor. Individual offices opened off the corridor and each had a window into the corridor. One day, I was seized with the impulse to leap across each window as if auditioning (heinously) for Swan Lake. I can’t now recall whether anyone on my team even noticed my woeful grand jetés but I still remember how following that impulse to be silly lightened and improved my day. I was authentically myself and as importantly, I modelled for everyone on staff that our work culture included fun and exuberance.

Leadership is not merely a title or a set of skills; it is a dynamic and multifaceted role that demands you be confidently yourself.

And, p.s. I know you’re amazing!

Three steps to stop the burnout cycle

Three steps to stop the burnout cycle

“It’s happening again! How do I stop from burning out?”

This question really got to me. My client’s comment had me thinking about burnout in a different way, especially about how to prevent recurring burnout.

I also thought about how my client’s question might resonate with you.

Did you know burnout can be a recurring cycle?

Burnout is a Systems Problem

Burnout at work is NOT solely an individual problem. It’s the result of two sets of responsibilities colliding—that of individual employees and employer organizations. It’s a systems problem where workplace environments create recurring problems for individuals that perpetuate a burnout cycle. 

On the one hand, individuals desire balanced lives so that their work and personal lives work harmoniously. Things that contribute to individual burnout include:

  • Striving for perfection
  • Refusing to accept help with heavy family responsibilities
  • Frustration with the lack of autonomy or control over how tasks are completed 
  • Avoidance of tackling difficult relationships 
  • Settling for jobs with low-pay or without appropriate benefits
  • Not receiving appropriate acknowledgement of individual contributions

On the other hand, nonprofit employers want to provide excellent client services while budgets are squeezed tighter than ever. Staff burnout is the result. 

Workplace causes of burnout include:

  • Short-staffing
  • Expecting unreasonable workloads or work hours
  • Offering low rates of pay and lack of appropriate benefits
  • Micromanaging employees
  • Toxic behaviours like workplace bullying
  • Lack of acknowledgment of individual contributions

As nonprofit leaders, we are responsible for both the personal and the organizational issues. 

What can you, as the leader of an organization, do to reduce burnout and interrupt the burnout cycle?

Learn to recognize the common signs of burnout

Burnout at the individual level looks like:

  • Lack of motivation
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Cynicism, irritability, impatience, disillusionment
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Over-reliance on alcohol or drugs
  • No job satisfaction
  • Headaches, stomach issues and other physical complaints
  • Low or no energy

Address the underlying causes of burnout

We need to go deeper than symptoms to stop the burnout cycle. 

It’s incumbent on leaders to be curious about what is at the root of burnout and to address the specifics. Taking the time (and money) to invest in fixing root causes saves the expense of backfilling vacancies that are the result of people being off work due to  burnout. 

Some examples of root causes:

Workloads: can we reorganize or reassign responsibilities? Can we streamline or eliminate tasks? Do we need to stop or downsize some programs or services to meet our staff capacity?

Compensation: are our compensation levels appropriate? What benefits can we offer that require less cash such as additional (paid) time off? 

Toxic behaviours & difficult relationships: do we have a clear zero tolerance policy for workplace bullying and harassment? What additional training or support do team members need to manage toxic behaviours and difficult relationships? What courageous conversations are we avoiding at the expense of everyone and the benefit of a few?

Change behaviours and mindsets to stop the cycle

One common misconception leaders often have is the belief that the best solution for burnout is rest. But, if individuals return from rest and go back to the same workload, with the same mindset, and the same behaviors, they will get the same result. Repeated burnout.

This is true for each of the causes of burnout.

When I look at the burn-out cycle through the Mental Fitness lens, I see how many leaders make decisions driven by their negative inner voices that exacerbate rather than relieve burnout. 

We can call these inner voices by many names; in Mental Fitness we call them Saboteurs because of their negative impact on our mindset.

When we let Saboteurs, like Stickler, Controller or Hyper-Achiever, influence our mindset and our decision-making, we contribute to employees going around the burnout cycle.

How?

  • A leader’s Stickler Saboteur might say that rules are inviolable and can never be changed. 
  • An employee’s Controller Saboteur could be micro-managing their subordinates. 
  • Hyper-Achiever Saboteurs are constantly looking for the next “shiny object” to chase and driving themselves and others to exhaustion.

Recognizing these negative inner voices and learning to shift from a negative to a positive mindset is a crucial step in stopping the burnout cycle in your organization or stopping you from slipping back into burnout.

Conclusion

As leaders, we are responsible for providing physically and mentally healthy workplaces.

To effectively reduce burnout and prevent the burnout cycle, leaders need to revisit the causes and solutions to burnout at both individual and organizational level.

I invite leaders who are motivated to break the cycle of burnout – for your employees, your organization and yourself – to enroll in the Mental Fitness for Nonprofit Leaders course so you can tame those saboteurs. The next course starts in January. Join the waitlist here.

Can’t wait until January? Start now with my new Bust Stress: Mental Fitness Bootcamp starting November 6. Sign up here.

Burnout is really costly for everyone. Let’s acknowledge the TRUE price of it.