Lucy White Coaching

How to Build Strong Connections in Four Steps

How to Build Strong Connections in Four Steps

by | Jul 10, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Group Coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Values

Sitting at brunch, I was stunned to hear my friend tell me exactly what kind of friend and colleague she thought I was–a terrible one. “You missed my 40th birthday party,” she said. “You haven’t been there for me at all; not at home and not at work. I don’t even know why I bother with this friendship anymore.”

I was completely blindsided. Yes, I had missed her party. In fact, I’d missed a lot of things. I was in the middle of a divorce and barely managing to keep myself together. I hadn’t even let her know I wouldn’t be coming.

But Amy didn’t ask about any of that. And I didn’t explain.

When Saboteurs Collide

Looking back through the lens of Mental Fitness, I can see exactly what happened. Amy’s Victim saboteur had completely taken over. The Victim saboteur causes us to focus solely on our internal feelings, particularly painful ones. Her disappointment about her birthday had evolved into a story where I was a bad, selfish friend who didn’t care about her.

Meanwhile, my Avoider saboteur kicked into high gear. Rather than calmly explaining what I was going through or trying to empathize with her feelings of being neglected, I simply walked away from the friendship and let our work connection cool. The Avoider’s desire to avoid any kind of difficult conversation meant I let our friendship end rather than doing the difficult work to build a strong connection.

The Cost of Saboteur Interference

When our saboteurs drive our relationships, we miss opportunities for the strong connections we crave. Amy’s Victim saboteur prevented her from extending empathy or curiosity about my situation. My Avoider saboteur robbed us of the opportunity to work through our conflict and strengthen our friendship.

Amy had created a story that my absence meant I didn’t value our connection. I had created a story that her anger was too threatening to deal with.

Working with Empathy, Curiosity, and Discernment

I wonder now what might have happened if we had approached this conflict with empathy, curiosity and discernment rather than judgement?

Empathy would have helped Amy consider that things might be happening in my life that could explain my absence. It would have helped me consider how important that milestone birthday was to her and understand how deeply she felt my absence.

Curiosity would have led to mutual questions instead of accusations. “I missed you at my party. Is everything okay?” instead of “You’re a terrible friend.” Or from my side: “I’m sorry for missing your party. You sound really hurt and angry. Is that what you’re feeling?”

Discernment would have guided us to a deeper understanding of whether our responses aligned with our values and whether the friendship was mutually valuable.

What Science Tells Us About Connection

When we operate from empathy and curiosity rather than saboteur messages, we create what researchers call “psychological safety”—the sense that we can be vulnerable, make mistakes, and still be accepted. This is the foundation of fulfilling relationships.

Practical Steps to Build Strong Connections

Notice Your Saboteurs: When you feel triggered in a relationship, pause and ask: “Is a saboteur activated right now?” Are you creating negative stories about the other person’s intentions?

Use the “WIN” Question: When relationship conflicts arise, ask yourself “What’s Important Now?” Often, the answer isn’t being right–it’s preserving or deepening the connection.

Practice Empathy: Before deciding what someone’s behavior means, get curious about what might be driving it. What might they be experiencing that you don’t see?

Be Discerning: Sometimes ending relationships is the healthiest discerning choice; sometimes our saboteurs push us into judgement and behaviours that weaken rather than strengthen relationships that we value.

Sadly, Amy and I never did reconnect. But from that experience, I have worked to intercept my saboteurs and navigate my relationships from a place of self-compassion, empathy for my friends, and mutual curiosity.

Relationships at work, in our families, and with our friends will always come with challenges. How we choose to meet those challenges determines whether those challenges lead to the deeper connections we all desire.

Ready to Transform Your Relationships?

If you find your work and personal relationships challenging, if you want to improve them and create more fulfilling connections, and you’re curious about how Mental Fitness can help, I invite you to join the upcoming Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader course beginning September 8.

This comprehensive group program will give you the tools to recognize your saboteurs in real time, strengthen your inner powers including empathy and curiosity, and build the kind of stronger connections that energize rather than drain you–both personally and professionally.

With limited places available to ensure individual support and attention, early bird pricing is available until August 8.

Register here!

Don’t let another important relationship end because of saboteur thinking. Use these four steps to build strong connections.

Transform Your Inner Critic: How to Stop Judging Others

Transform Your Inner Critic: How to Stop Judging Others

by | Jul 6, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers

As I headed out to work elsewhere, I ran into my neighbour in the condo lobby. “Must be nice to be able to go out for fun instead of sweating all day like I have to,” they said in a unfriendly tone.

Yikes! My face got hot and my stomach flipped over. Two signs that my inner judge was fired up instantly.

Remember my sweaty morning meltdown when the air conditioning broke? I shared how my technique of “accept or convert” rescued me from turning an annoyance into a day-ruining drama. But it’s what happened next that really tested this approach.

When Judgement Gets Personal

Broken HVAC systems are one thing. Judging people – others and ourselves – is where things get stressful. That comment from my neighbour triggered a stream of judgemental thoughts: “They’re so whiny and sorry for themselves.” “I’m not going out for fun. Who do they think they are, commenting on what I’m doing?”

Then came the judgement about my own judgment: “Oh, now I’m being the whiny one.” “Why do I care what a stranger thinks about me?” “Just let this go! “

Sound familiar? We judge others for their behaviour, then judge ourselves for being judgemental. It’s our inner critic and it’s freaking exhausting.

The People Problem

Like circumstances, other people trigger our deepest stories about fairness, respect, and self-worth. When someone butts in line, speaks rudely or dismissively, our inner judge doesn’t just react to their behaviour – it creates stories about who they are, their intentions, and what it all means about us.

The same happens with self-judgement. We don’t just notice we made a mistake; our Judge decides we’re incompetent, lazy, or flawed in some other way.

Accept or Convert

Here’s how to apply the same framework when your inner judge targets other people or yourself:

Step One: Breathe and Catch the Judge

The moment you notice judgement  – whether about someone else’s behaviour or your own perceived failures – pause. Place your hands on your heart, feel your feet, breathe. You’re not stopping the judgement; you’re creating space around it.

Step Two: Get Curious About the Judgement

Ask yourself: “Am I making up a story about this person? What could be true instead? What might also be true about them or their actions?”

If you’re judging yourself, ask: “What story am I telling about myself? Is this true? Is this how I would speak to a friend in this situation? If not, what would I say?” Curiosity moves the focus from judgement to empathy.

Step Three: Choose Your Response

Accepting the person’s behaviour (including your own) means recognizing we’re all human, complex, and probably doing their best with their current resources. In most cases, acceptance saves your mental and physical energy for things that really matter.

Converting means finding the gift or opportunity hidden in the interaction. The gift can be greater knowledge, increased strength of character or being able to take focused action.

I might understand that my neighbour’s comment exposed my own insecurities about working for myself.

Maybe I’d recognize that my Victim saboteur is super competitive and doesn’t want anyone else to be worse off than I am.

Perhaps there’s an opportunity for action: getting an HVAC update from the condo manager, inviting my neighbour for iced coffee at the café, or creating my own ‘employee manual’ to clarify my rules for self-employment.

The Learning in Letting Go

When I dialed down judging my neighbour and myself, things shifted. I understood that their comment said more about their choices than mine.

And my defensiveness? Just human. Normal. Nothing to fix or beat myself up for.

Later, typing up a storm in a cool coffee shop, I felt how much the whole small experience was a reminder of how much I still had to learn about myself and self-judgement.

Your Judgement Challenge

This week, I invite you to notice when your inner judge fixates on someone’s behaviour or your own human shortcomings.

Try the accept or convert approach. What shifts when you respond with curiosity instead of judgement? Can you transform your inner critic?

Hit reply to let me know how the experience was for you!

Judgement is human, but it doesn’t have to stress you and run your life. You always have the choice to accept or convert even your harshest judgements into opportunities and gifts.

Stop the Spin-Out! Stay Present with Mental Fitness

Stop the Spin-Out! Stay Present with Mental Fitness

by | Jun 13, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers

My client said, “Sometimes a worry gets stuck in my mind and then I start to spin out.”

Spinning out.

Stuck in a loop.

In a tizzy.

Sound familiar?

There are a lot of ways to describe that feeling of being stuck in a mental loop, replaying past mistakes or worrying about future problems.

It’s rumination—that exhausting cycle of repetitive thoughts that drains your energy and happiness. And, rumination is often at the root of burnout for women nonprofit leaders.

The thing about rumination that you may not realize is that it only happens when you’ve mentally left the present.

Whether you’re judging yourself for past actions or anxiously worrying about what might go wrong tomorrow, rumination pulls you away from the here and now.

The Past-Future Trick

Rumination is sneaky and a favourite trick of the inner Judge saboteur. You think that you’re problem-solving when really, you’re just spinning your wheels.

That spinning out feeling emerges when you judge yourself harshly for things you can’t change (“I should have prepared more for that meeting”) or when you anticipate bad things that haven’t happened yet (“What if my presentation bombs tomorrow?”).

Neither scenario exists now and you lose peace of mind (and often sleep!) worrying about the past and the future.

How Women Nonprofit Leaders Self-Sabotage

Rumination is a form of self-sabotage experienced by many women nonprofit leaders, where you move from a valid concern, like needing to prepare well for a presentation, to getting stuck in negative thoughts that undermine your well-being and productivity.

Your inner resources—attention, energy, creativity—are misdirected to repetitive thoughts, leaving you exhausted and discouraged for what matters in the present. In the extreme, rumination can lead to burnout.

Break the Cycle with Mental Fitness Practices

Fortunately, with simple Mental Fitness practices, you can train your mind to break free from rumination.

Here’s how:

Step 1: Recognize Your Inner Saboteurs

Bring awareness to when your thoughts have shifted from productive thinking to “spinning out.” That’s your inner judge finding fault (“I always mess things up” or “I’ll never get this right”).

Notice if you have tense shoulders, shallow breathing, a knot in your stomach or another physical symptom that accompanies the mental feeling. When you catch these messages, don’t judge yourself for having them—just notice what’s happening.

Step 2: Return to the Present

Once you’ve recognized rumination, guide your attention back to the present. Try rubbing two fingers together, counting your breaths, feeling your body in contact with your chair or bed.

These simple practices interrupt the cycle of thoughts and anchors you through your senses with the present.

Step 3: Respond with Compassion

The final step is crucial: how you treat yourself when you catch rumination determines whether you’ll build mental fitness or fall back into the cycle of negative thinking. Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend or family member with compassion and empathy.

Celebrate when you catch yourself in rumination to connect the interruption with pleasure. You’ll build new neural pathways that, over time, reduce rumination and help you stay focused in the present.

Choose Presence

It’s totally natural for your thoughts to move between past, present, and future. But when those thoughts become stuck in a loop that reduces your well-being, that’s unhelpful rumination. By practicing the Mental Fitness techniques above, you’re not just reducing rumination—you’re building capacity for leading and living fully in the present.
I Woke Up a Sweaty Mess Today

I Woke Up a Sweaty Mess Today

by | May 15, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Perspective, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers, Values

I woke up a sweaty mess today.

The air conditioning in my building is broken and now, with the sun barely up, my condo is 28 C. Did I mention I have a south-west facing space? It is only going to get hotter.

My first response was a spurt of judgement. “This happens every spring! Why don’t they test the system before the deadline? Why does this always happen to me?”*

Do you do this, too? Encounter a frustrating molehill of a situation and then make a mountain of judgement and drama out of it?

If you’re thinking “Uh Lucy? You’re right to be upset; it’s going to ruin your day!”

Well, yes. Except staying upset would have only hurt me. Nothing about the circumstance would change.

Here’s what I did instead of fuelling my upset, ruining my entire day, and staying sweaty, too!

Accept or convert

  • I took a breath! Connecting with my breath is always step one when I’m feeling judgy. Sometimes it helps to place my hands over my heart or to focus on my feet. In a minute or two, I’m usually ready to take the next step as I’m out of my head and have paused my inner judge.
  • I brought curiosity to the circumstance I’m in. I asked myself: “What might I do here? What happens if I accept the situation? What options do I have for converting my circumstances into a gift or opportunity?” All these questions bring calm and creativity.
  • And, I explored my options. Accepting meant staying home in an oven, being uncomfortable and likely unproductive. Converting or changing my circumstances led me to explore options like working elsewhere. The library, park, coffee shop or a friend’s place were all possible options. I also thought about taking the day off work. Key to my decision was wanting to meet two deadlines so I opted to work elsewhere.

I saved my own day. Circumstances converted; mountain returned to molehill!

Walking through the accept or convert process frees you from an exhausting and self-defeating fight against reality. From a clear-headed/hearted space, you can respond with creativity instead of reactivity.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you try it!

P.S. Bonus points if you noticed my Victim Saboteur jumping into the dialogue! It’s so determined.

4 Reasons to Choose Mental Fitness Today

4 Reasons to Choose Mental Fitness Today

by | May 8, 2025 | Coaching, executive coaching, gratitude, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers

Still on that fence about mental fitness?

No worries!

Still have questions about the Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader program?

Here are 4 reasons to choose mental fitness today. 

Isn’t stress just normal for adults, especially leaders?

Sure, stress happens—but constantly feeling overwhelmed isn’t natural or inevitable! Psychology shows that much of our stress is self-generated AND that your brain is designed to learn and adapt. This means you can develop new, positive mental habits such as responding with calmness when experiencing stressful situations.

Is there any science behind this?

Absolutely! The program draws from research in positive psychology and neuroplasticity which allows us to understand how to literally rewire our thinking and change our behaviour. Studies by Positive Intelligence® show that after 7 weeks, 91% of participants manage stress better, 84% handle conflict more effectively, and 83% feel more confident.

How long until I see results?

Functional MRI scans show that meaningful changes occur in neural pathways over as little as 7 weeks. The CCNL program, uses this knowledge to help you begin your transformation. Participants like you report sleeping better, making clearer decisions, and enjoying their leadership roles again.

It feels selfish to spend time and money on myself right now. Can’t I just read a book?

Of course you can and should! But let’s be real. Insights from reading books or attending webinars are only useful if they are put into consistent practice for a minimum of 7 weeks. Consider what stress is already costing you: muddled decision-making, strained relationships, health issues, missed opportunities, and that constant feeling that you’re not bringing your best self to work that matters. Joining this program gives you the support, training, and accountability needed so you can turn your insights into lasting change.

I’ve suggested 4 reasons to choose mental fitness. What would you add? 

Enroll or join the waiting list here
What To Do When Things Are Hard

What To Do When Things Are Hard

by | Jul 17, 2024 | Coaching, gratitude, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, Life Coaching, Mental Fitness, Positive Intelligence, positive mindset, Saboteurs, Sage Powers

I haven’t connected in a while because some pretty significant things have been going on and I needed a break from emails, social media, socializing, and well just about everything.

I’m writing from my family cottage in beautiful Muskoka where I am taking two weeks to rest, reflect, and regroup. I am so very lucky to have this place to retreat to.

Writing is something I love (and often hate) so I thought that while I have no other pressures, it was a good time to let you know what’s been going on behind the scenes.

Family: My mum celebrated her 90th birthday in January and passed away in June. Her health had been up and down for the last year so while it was very sad, it wasn’t a surprise. But it’s definitely a loss that it takes time to adjust to. If you’ve been reading my emails for a while, you’ll know that I try to look for the gift or opportunity in every experience. I’ll write more about this later but for now, it was a gift to be with my siblings throughout this experience.

Consulting: I am thrilled to be working with the Burlington Performing Arts Centre as interim executive director. It is so fun to be in an arts space again. I’m learning so much and I’m very happy to be lending my skills to help BPAC in their leadership transition.

Coaching: The spring cohort of Calm Confident Nonprofit Leader wrapped up in early June. As always, I am blown away by how Mental Fitness practices combined with group coaching creates huge benefits for nonprofit leaders whether they are challenged by major life transitions or day-to-day activities.

One participant said: “What a difference!!! I had such a good productive day and had two potentially difficult meetings, which went quite well because right before them I did PQ Reps.”  I’m excited to be launching a new cohort in the fall.

Last but not least, I want to acknowledge the tremendous stress that comes with being present to the many conflicts happening in the world right now. I often feel that there is nothing I can do about world events (that’s a Victim saboteur response) and the impulse to look away is very strong. I would like to urge you and me to remember what to do when things are hard:

  1. You can be informed and set boundaries. Doom scrolling, engaging with trolls, or arguing with cranky Aunt Gladys will only deplete your energies and well-being.
  2. Focus on one or two causes that matter to you. Donate, write to your MP/MPP, or protest. Do what feels right to you.
  3. Give your emotions space. If you are angry, be angry. If you are sad, feel sad. Emotions are meant to be felt and moved through your body. They cause trouble when they are blocked or ignored.
  4. Eat your vegetables, get lots of sleep, move your body, and get outside. You are less likely to self-sabotage when you are rested and healthy. 

I’d love to hear how you are doing. What is challenging you or what is bringing you bliss? What would you add to the list above that helps you stay present without overwhelm?